Stuck

I’m so frustrated and tired of my life. I love my family but I don’t know how to be this person I’ve been trying to be. I’m lost. 

I feel like I lost who I am and I’m trying to be something om not.

Trying not to complain too much but ugh. I need a vacation away from these kids. Not in a mean way but in an overwhelmed need to be a person before I’m thirty. I only have three years…

Update

It has been so long since I did an actual update. I have been really bust and then my wisdom teeth crushed the teeth next to them. Not to mention one od them was in my sinus cavity! Never knew that couls happen

I promise a real update soon. I never posted about mt wonderful Valentine’s day, or both he kids’ birthdays.  Also I put on a craft fair I didn’t post about.

So much to update on. Anyhow when I’m on my computer next week I’ll write a few posts.

Love you all! Thanks for folowing!

Warning Rant Time

I am so stressed out and overwhelmed by my motherly and wifely duties. I feel like I don’t have time to be me. Which sounds selfish since on occasion I get to go to the gym, used to be every day but then I started planning this craft fair and that has taken over my gym time. Which really sucks. I feel endorphin withdrawls so much.

I don’t understand why he has to feel so stressed when he only has to watch the baby in the morning when I run errands, like going to the gym takes me an hour and a half, then running errands takes me an hour. I feel like two and a half hours shouldn’t be such a big deal but he makes me feel like it’s one or the other. Meanwhile I watch the kids 50 hours a week when he’s at work. I get it for half of that time they are sleeping since he works a night job, but still, I have both of them. He takes the car so if we want to go anywhere we have to walk, too bad we live on the wrong side of town for that. Where would we go? Albertson’s? Yeah.

On the weekends he gets to cut loose and drink with his friends. Though I have to stay sober because the baby is here, with my 6 year old I wouldn’t mind because he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night and need me. Then when we get a sitter we have a quiet night in. This means he plays his xbox and I sit in a different room and crochet.

Don’t get me wrong. I love him, I love being a mother, and I love my time I do spend with them. Though I just don’t understand why I have to lose myself when he gets to stay the same. I get that he’s working and I’m just a homemaker, but I should get free time too without being guilted into cutting it short.

I’m always racing. Always rushing. I gotta get up with the baby in the morning, put my firstborn on the school bus, get the baby down for a nap, make breakfast, then I get to hang out with him while we eat, sometimes we hang out all afternoon, sometimes we don’t. Then he goes to work, my 6 year old gets home from school, he and baby take a nap. I spend the next hour working on organizing the craft fair, building my inventory for my booth, cleaning the house, they get up, then I’m trying to keep them happy meanwhile cooking dinner and cleaning some more. He comes home for lunch we race through dinner conversation in ten minutes. He goes back kids go to bed, then I’m too tired to sleep so I work on my inventory a bit.

It seems I’ve gotten to this place where it causes me anxiety to just sit and relax. I feel like I’m wasting time when I do that. I constantly think of all the stuff I need to do but haven’t gotten to yet. I am so overly stressed and I need a break.

Let’s see how tomorrow goes because I have an overnight sitter, and it’s Valentine’s day. I hope his stress goes down too, because like I said I love him. We’re just stressed separately about different things, and then we get stressed with each other about it.

I hope I don’t sound as selfish to everyone else as I do when I reread this. But I am drowning…and I’m not sure how to fix it.

GROW YOUR BLOG

Hi, I’m Lacie Rose. This is my personal blog about my writing, and my thoughts that I don’t feel fit the theme and category of my yarn blog. As most of you know, I’m a mother of two. I have a wonderful boyfriend. Crochet is my hobby, and also my job.

I started this blog so I had a place to talk about the frustrations, joys, and accomplishments of life. A place to share my writing old and new. I mostly started it to do 30 day writing challenges though I found that too challenging after we moved.

I love this blog because I don’t have to worry about if it fits in because everything is a little hodge podge here. I just write what I’m feeling and post it.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave one! Or email me lacierose@gmail.com. Thanks!

Not Girl or Hot Girl

After reading this article from a facebook post a friend posted, I fear I might be a not girl. It pretty much described me. To be honest I kind of knew I was that way though reading it like that shocked me. I feel like I need a mental makeover. 2015 must be about proving to myself my worth. I genuinely need to love myself.

It is a little hard to admit these things, though when you can admit it, you can work towards fixing the problem. I love my boyfriend and our family, though I know I get on his nerves a lot. I’m always self-doubting, and needing…no begging for his attention.

Once I can change my behavior to being more independent and self loving I feel that I will be the image of all around health. I have been going to the gym on the regular for three months now, and I feel better. I haven’t lost a ton of weight, but I have lost some. I’ve mostly lost inches, but weight training does that. I’ve been doing cardio four days a week, and weight lifting four. Usually with two rest days.

When I was growing up my mom was dealing with so much of her one issues based on personal appearance. She always has seen herself as the short chubby girl. The thing is that she is beautiful, she is overweight now. Though she wasn’t always. I grew up in the middle of her second guessing herself so that’s what I saw. I am not blaming her, but I am understanding where my problem started. The rest was fueled by me and the media.

I think I might even make a section of this blog about my personal quest to self-love. Not the dirty way, but the wholesome healthy way.

Anyway, that’s enough confession for one day.

New Years MakeUp Party

Last night was so much fun. It was like old times it was so great. Maybe not the super great old times, but it was like last summer great. We had our old friends T & A come over. It was so good to see them because we haven’t done much with them since they moved out and we moved in. So of course we woke our roommate up and spent the evening drinking beers and playing beer pong.

The pong table is amazing, it was made by a friend of a friend of a friend or something. Either way it was once our roommate’s but he sold it, then when we all moved into this house it was here so it returned to him. It has these little triangle pieces of glass on each end for the cups, and under these there are lights. The lights are a little blinding when you turn it on. But in theory that’s the coolest part.

Anyhow, so I looked at the clock at one point and it was 9:37. I was thinking, you know you’re a mom when you’re partying for what feels like all night and it’s not even ten. Though we we ended up drinking Incredible Hulks that were a little more brown than they’re supposed to be and kept on partying.

I will admit that I was in bed by two. Though it being the first night without both kids where we weren’t worrying about Christmas, or I wasn’t working on orders it was absolutely perfect.

I’m hoping I’ll finally get my birthday party time allowance that he said I could have back in September. That will definitely beĀ  night worth blogging about.