I am so stressed out and overwhelmed by my motherly and wifely duties. I feel like I don’t have time to be me. Which sounds selfish since on occasion I get to go to the gym, used to be every day but then I started planning this craft fair and that has taken over my gym time. Which really sucks. I feel endorphin withdrawls so much.
I don’t understand why he has to feel so stressed when he only has to watch the baby in the morning when I run errands, like going to the gym takes me an hour and a half, then running errands takes me an hour. I feel like two and a half hours shouldn’t be such a big deal but he makes me feel like it’s one or the other. Meanwhile I watch the kids 50 hours a week when he’s at work. I get it for half of that time they are sleeping since he works a night job, but still, I have both of them. He takes the car so if we want to go anywhere we have to walk, too bad we live on the wrong side of town for that. Where would we go? Albertson’s? Yeah.
On the weekends he gets to cut loose and drink with his friends. Though I have to stay sober because the baby is here, with my 6 year old I wouldn’t mind because he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night and need me. Then when we get a sitter we have a quiet night in. This means he plays his xbox and I sit in a different room and crochet.
Don’t get me wrong. I love him, I love being a mother, and I love my time I do spend with them. Though I just don’t understand why I have to lose myself when he gets to stay the same. I get that he’s working and I’m just a homemaker, but I should get free time too without being guilted into cutting it short.
I’m always racing. Always rushing. I gotta get up with the baby in the morning, put my firstborn on the school bus, get the baby down for a nap, make breakfast, then I get to hang out with him while we eat, sometimes we hang out all afternoon, sometimes we don’t. Then he goes to work, my 6 year old gets home from school, he and baby take a nap. I spend the next hour working on organizing the craft fair, building my inventory for my booth, cleaning the house, they get up, then I’m trying to keep them happy meanwhile cooking dinner and cleaning some more. He comes home for lunch we race through dinner conversation in ten minutes. He goes back kids go to bed, then I’m too tired to sleep so I work on my inventory a bit.
It seems I’ve gotten to this place where it causes me anxiety to just sit and relax. I feel like I’m wasting time when I do that. I constantly think of all the stuff I need to do but haven’t gotten to yet. I am so overly stressed and I need a break.
Let’s see how tomorrow goes because I have an overnight sitter, and it’s Valentine’s day. I hope his stress goes down too, because like I said I love him. We’re just stressed separately about different things, and then we get stressed with each other about it.
I hope I don’t sound as selfish to everyone else as I do when I reread this. But I am drowning…and I’m not sure how to fix it.